I am typing this post at Macdonald's on a break from studying Franz Schubert off the text of history's reference. Earphones off and bladder emptied. There's quite masquerade for mid-aged aunties and uncles just outside at the amphi-theater. Random folks blare their vocals in hokkien which I can barely understand, and occasionally prancing on the small podium they make do as a stage.

It's times like this, that I get to stop being judgmental and full of myself, and secretly enjoy the life that's going around me. (if I were to be with any of my peers, I'd be quite the bitch that's constantly annoyed by anything that's a decibel too high for my liking. Call it split personality if you may, but I guess everybody has a front to show in front of people we know, don't we?).

These random performances by aunties in heavily sequined tops and uncles that you would easily associate them to park benches and lift lobbies aren't exactly serious music to most ears (they ain't exactly singing in perfect tune to Mozart's operas or Schubert's Lider. I study my history!). But amongst all these loud banging of drums and synthetic music that's a little too loud on the keyboard, I found something that a lot of us, music students majoring in performance lack, the pleasure in performing!

The folks out there might not be in perfect tune or dancing like Beyonce and Lady Gaga in their latest MV, but they never stopped enjoying to perform. I secretly watched their performance at the background, and never once did any one of them felt shy or embarrassed dancing and prancing to a size of audience that would easily shrink my balls. No fear can be felt from the stage, no tight awkwardness in the audience. The performers enjoy performing while the audience enjoys the performance. That is how I want to perform, and how I want my audience to be! Not being out of tune or silly prancing, but simply enjoy performing. Audience not being critical and judgmental to my performances, but really enjoying what they can see, listen, and feel.

I vowed to myself in clandestine, and strive to perform without any speck of fear, and to the total enjoyment of myself and my audience.

But while I plan how to get there, I better get back into the flashback of Schubert's life before he dies, again. And by the way, it seems like my social life has beem reduced to the level of being non-existent. I'm officially a mugger, and I'm kinda proud of it. = )

there is so much i want to say, but because i'm in a stage where i find blogging essays uninteresting. but who knows, maybe i'll be blabbering on for 2 essays seeing how long i haven't been even blogging.

a lot has happened from my last post. but most of which can find easy association with school. oh well, i'm a student, school is all i got. and today, is the last official school day for the semester. my last exam for the semester, the most important one.

I've always thought i have more than enough confidence to deal with what-come-may's, sometimes getting cocky in the process. now i'm jelly-feet, a wuss and worst of all, scared. friends been telling me i'm prepared for exams, so does fredi. i only wish i can appreciate their extra doses of boost, but nothing's getting in. it's as though there is this natural film that repels all sorts of confidence boosting elements wrapping my mind.

Once bitten, twice shy. Last year around this time, i had my ego bruised so badly friends still swear they saw a tear in my eye. and as much as i try to convince them that it was becos of my lenses, i have doubts in that myself.

oh heaven, bless me.

oh, i must stop these doubts, all these worries. If i don't i just know i'll turn back. i must dream of the things i am seeking, i am seeking the courage i lack. it tells me all i trust i lead my heart to, all I trust becomes my own. i have confidence in confidence alone. let them bring on all their problems, i'll do better than my best. i have confidence they'll put me to the test, but I'll make them see I have confidence in me. and mind me with each step I am more certain, everything will turn out fine. i have confidence the world can all be mine, they'll have to agree i have confidence in me!

practise practise practise. i spend more than half a day in school, everyday. i'm not aiming to be a joe alessi or chistian lindberg, not yet. just not wanting to be looked down at. i'll continue practising even after being good enough to impress others. do not look down on me, i'm not that far from you, and when one day i catch up and surpass all of you, can you still laugh? try me.

i need to vent, about school nonetheless.

i'm not gonna mention any names here. it's not as though anybody from school knows about this blog of mine or that i care if they know i don't exactly like them anyway. however, it's just to not open those gaps of pple from school.

let me start.

fat girl that thinks she's damn pretty and most popular. i'm sorry, but u're fat and ugly. get a mirror, look at it and then maybe think if ur high decibel-ed voice is worth hearing. if popularity defines the volume of noise coming from us, u're more than mute. there's a reason why ur bf would rather fuck someone else, cos he can't find ur stinking vagina between those blobs you call legs!

skinny guy from yr 3 thinks he's damn big fuck. do not just blow into an instrument and think that it's music. u might be technically good, but my midi player can be better. go stick that thing of yours up ur ass i'd say.

another big fatass yr 3 thinking he's the biggest fuck. u're just fat, and becos of that do not think that the whole world owes it to ya becos u demands more space. it's ur luck we aren't suggesting that fat pple pay more for everything!

richass yr 3. by turning our music studios into a mini club just tells us how desperately you need neurons. for one, u're fugly, it's a wonder why u're even in this world, let alone say when you walk like there's wind. in any case there's wind it's becos u're eating your own fart. go back to mars already, even if they have a reason to send u here in the first place.

i'm onli venting, no harm or watsoever intended for anyone, though i wish all mentioned suffers a never ending life full of being ridiculed and reminded of how unworthy their lives are, and then die with no one even noticing their absense. less than nothing's, get the fuck out of our lives!

2 weeks of school passed by just like that, and yes, it's gonna be a school-has-started-again post.

these past weeks of school must have been the most productive yet. locking myself in a small practice studio with the metronome acting like a distraction to my claustrophobia. it works. i've gotten more accomplished in these 2 weeks then my last 2 semesters. i'm glad. there will bound to be more of these weeks to come, it's nice.

so many things has happened, good things mostly. i've more or less abandoned this site. probably becos i've been in a fairly good mood of late.

i got a new phone, a nokia e63, so did jie. sugar got an e75, donan's still using his faithful e51 got himself a new e75. we've been officially been E-series(ed).

my eldest gave birth to my niece, Claudia Ellis Gaw. She's the new princess of the family now. though she's not old enough to understand who i am to her, but i'm pretty sure she'll be loved and doted. and she started a new generation in my family. i'm pleased, and she's blessed.

i'm feeling nostalgic.